Which Way To Go?

There is something wrong with the air I'm breathing. It is suffocating and at the same time, it carries a typical cold gush of the wind that makes me shiver. If not because of the sun this morning, I could have managed to sleep all day long. I could have not eaten my meals. I  could have stayed at my room, lie down in my bed and think of the possible eerie silence that will soon strike.

I was thinking since early last week if I could go to a place where I could spend my little vacation. Beach. Farm. Home. Then, I thought again and again for the word 'home' and I wondered if there is someone who can give me one, or who can give them one.

It's not about me. It's about my sister and my mother. I wondered if they're searching for a home, too. And get disappointed because neither one of us can give each other one. I have lived my life well. I no longer ask for a home.

I was planning to bring my sister here in Dumaguete. I'll buy movie tickets for her. I will let her watch two kiddie movies and let her eat all the food that she likes. It's the only thing that I can do for her for all the lonely years that she has been through. She's living a pretty tough life. 

She's living alone since she was 12 years old and was living with our Yaya since childhood. She's renting a room, cooks her own food, washes her own clothes, manages her own money. Now, she's 15, and she is a one tough and smart kid. She'd been in different schools and was a consistent honor student.

I wondered if she was able to understand life at her early age. I wondered if what she does when she's emotionally down, and has nobody to turn to. Does she cry all night long? does she go to school even with a heavy heart? does she think about me? does she think about mom? does she hate the world? does she have a cold heart?

Was there a time when she can't wash her school uniform because she was so tired making all her projects, and wished that if only mom was there with her, things might change?

Was there a time when she get jealous because one of her classmates had a new pair of shoes from his/her father? does she feel sad when she sees her friends together with their families? what does she feel when she goes home late at night because of a school activity and too late to find out that she hasn't got any food left?

Cold heart. I have that one. But I hope that hers is different. I hope that her heart is filled with hope, and love. I hope that she has many friends. I hope that she is always kind to everyone. I hope that she is forgiving and understanding. I hope that she is patient. I hope that her heart is like mother's who is kind and loving. I hope that she will never be like me. I hope that the bitterness of life will never change her.