Sayang, Bakit Hindi Kita Niligawan

Until now, he still does not know when was the exact time that he found her attractive. Was it the first time? the second? the third? the fourth? Perhaps, things are a little bit confusing if you do not take them seriously. People are unimportant if you do not reconsider them, that somehow, at some point, they have value.

The first time they kissed, she asked him if he likes her. "Why do you ask?" he said. And that was it. He had known women for such a long time. He managed to read their thoughts, the motives of their eyes. But he never wanted any relationship this time. He just need someone who can accompany him when the time comes that he needs a woman. His motive is rather physical in nature.

But the truth? it is not physical. They are emotionally entwined with each other. Each time they meet and kiss, he began to feel something awkward that he tried to keep within himself. She asked him several times about their relationship but never even once he mentioned his feelings for her. For him, she was just a pastime, something to be remembered when he is bored.

He ignored her several times. He does not answer her calls and text messages. He contacts her in times of boredom, in occasions when he is tired of playing computer games. He thought of her as a friend. But they are more than that. It is a complicated thing that he himself is reluctant to know.

She grew tired with him. She sure knows that she is beautiful, and many guys are waiting for her go signal if not because of him. She left his boyfriend for him. Her reasons are apparent and obvious. But he remained jerk and oblivious about it. He is a jerk, indeed.

Now, she does not care about him anymore. The last time he asked her to watch a movie in the big screen, she declined. She is not easy to get. He shall know that. But there are no regrets for his  part. He convinced himself more so often than any other issues he had in the past. He has feelings for her, yes. But he is tired and does not have time to act upon it.

To Write is To Sleep

There was this one time in elementary when I accidentally poured a glass of cola to my classmate's uniform. He was so mad he asked me for a fight. I told him that I was sorry and did not mean it. But he insisted for a fight. So, later that afternoon we agreed to meet in the middle of the school grounds (North City Elementary School) and he started to pick up a fight with me. But I told him that I did not want any trouble, that my mother could wash/clean his uniform so that his mom would not get mad at him. But he said that I was gay and told all of my classmates that I was a freaking coward.

I was taught by grandma and grandpa to be patient and that if I am at fault, I should apologize. That's the reason why I never hit him in the face. But he became too confident that I was a coward and started bullying me almost everyday. So I told him that starting the next day, if he calls me gay one more time, he would regret it.

And he did. A couple of miniseconds after he said that, he fell into the classroom floor, clamoring for help. In an instant, he became a crying baby. I hit him in the face, at his cheekbone specifically. As a kid, I always watched shaolin movies. One good thing I learned from those films is that there are vital parts of a man's physique that when hit, cause their body to become partially dysfunctional.

I grew up with that principle. Throughout the time, I have learned to abide with that. I learned to become patient when I am at fault, and turns into a war-freak when someones messes up with me. Somehow, I also find this kind of attitude not healthy at all. I am very particular with details that tiny hint of insults, I believe, should be acted upon.

But that is not my direct conclusion of someone else's misbehavior. As I grew older, I also learned to consider people and their acts. But not inside a workplace. That kind of environment is different. There is a need to write this entry so that once this is published, I can sleep well at night. I do not like apologizing to anyone who is at fault. It kills me. It consumes my being. I know when people want to mess up with me. I know what kind of sarcasm is good or bad. I know the difference between insult and criticism. I know when I am at fault or not. I know when to act or not. I know when to hit someone in the face and become wild. My cause is always right, always pure and fair, despite the negative impression I get from other people. I do not really care if I am always misunderstood, as long as my cause is right, I can live with that.

Now, why did I apologize? because I am old and learning that other people have issues with me without me knowing gives me wrinkles. I made that selfless thing (I hate that crap) because of my cause. My cause is betterment, fair, and democratic. My cause is for everyone to be disciplined, to act upon which is right inside a workplace, and leave their bad GMRC behind. Well, humans are humans. They will learn. That includes me.

For the moment of a Squirrel...

Just like that, like a wind passing the vast blue sky, like a squirrel running a thud after picking up a nut inside a tree hole, everything changed. Those scenes, they were not that long or momentous as far as I can remember. But they were memorable enough to make me smirk, something to ponder when I am bored. I can still think about those even until now. Of course, talking about the wind, anything is possible for the wind. It could bring immeasurable joy or perhaps the sound of irrevocable death. But mine has nothing to do with that element of nature. I was and am a sneaky animal and this 'emo' blog entry has something to do with my irregular-shaped vital organ located in the left portion of my chest.

I was and still am on the edge, but not really at the tip of the sword, of falling in love. But this feeling, for some reasons, I tried to contain because I think this is just another piece of crap. So, I played around. Have had asked her for a date several times but most of those nights were my remarkable absences. Had told her that will stroll around for a longer while after my class. Had told her that will eat together some time. Had told her that what we have is just plain, mutual understanding, and that we do not need to overdo it. We do not need to over-react. I played dumb. She had no choice but to join monopoly. But ours is closer to snake and ladders. Waley. Waley. Who gets to the top first wins. But what is on the top, really?

Should I just stop rolling the dice? or how about grab her in and stop fooling around? Which is which, well I do not know. I do not intend to know. But really, cupid had me hit. So what should I do next? Okay then, I will sleep. That would be good. But this thing would make me restless. What a puppy dog...I am such a kiddo inside...